autobiography

start.
.
seven lines written and erased and then forgotten
that began what i was thinking of and then supposed to write
she was writing she was laughing she was sitting in my head
so close to being real but then someone turned on the light
.
she fades to gray she's barely here
she doesn't want to disappear
her eyes aren't brown her eyes are gray
and now they're nothing, they're just clear
like invisible tape
except that they actually are invisible
.
collapse on the bed
eyes now red
and i remember what you said
but while i sleep
the me i keep
she jumps into another head
.
and there's a law that says that empty bodies have to die
so there's another me in here that fills me up inside
she's got brown eyes and brown hair and she looks just like i do
but all she ever wants to be is someone just like you
.
she's not brave, she can't talk
she just breathes, she just walks
she's a follower, a swallower
polite, but never knocks
she invades me, parades me
a shadow, a charade of me
she talks to all my friends and she pretends she's me
and now it's almost like i'll never ever get to be me
i walk onto the schoolbus, tied up
and all i want to do is run
but she's the one controlling me, my body
even though she's just a copy
.
and then at school she walks in, steps up
hides me 'cause i'm messed up
you're talking and i start to cry
'cause all your words are hers, not mine
and maybe i could make your eyes
light up like i saw them once
if only i could break through, i'd make you


i scream enough that she's afraid of losing it
i'm doing this and she's afraid
she's nothing but a masquerade
too confused to function
cryin' at the junction
she kinda wants to disappear
but she don't want to leave here
she's clinging to my body
wishin' she was never made
no matter what, she's not me
no matter what, she's always-
afraid.